What Forgiveness Looks Like

The power of forgiveness was brought home to me as a direct experience, in a workshop when the leader suggested that one way we could cause ourselves to have a breakthrough would be to forgive someone.  At the break I called the guy my ex-wife left me for.

"Hey John, you got a minute?"

"Sure Carson, what's up?"

"Well, I realized that I've been carrying around this story that you are an asshole that broke up my family, and my marriage, and messed up my life."  (He responds by being quiet).  "And it is also true that I have a lot of respect for the integrity that you bring to your relationship with Merilee, and I really appreciate you taking good care of Merilee and Kimberly.


I realize that the impact of this story on me is that it has kept me from feeling anything more than a superficial friendship with you and it has kept me from feeling any sense of partnership with you, even though we are both dedicated to one of the same goals, which is that Merilee and Kimberly survive and flourish.  


I'm not willing to pay that price any longer, so I'm inventing the possibility that you and I can be friends and partners in taking care of them."


Then I stopped and gave him a chance to speak.  He said, "Wow Carson, this feels really good.  You know what, I've had that story too; that I was an asshole that did that to you."


I feel this was generous of him to give this up.  I responded, "Yeah John, I'm just completely done with that story, and I invite you to be done with it too.  Besides, you couldn't have done anything if she hadn't been looking for an exit."


We soon ended the call and I headed back into the workshop. When I reached for the door, a wave of well-being swept over me and I thought, "You know, I don't have to fix or change myself, or do anything different, to deserve to be loved, exactly the way that I am."  Then I wondered where the heck that had come from.  It was just out of the blue.  Then I realized that it, was basically what I had just communicated to John.  He didn't have to change or get better to deserve to be loved or appreciated.  I gave it to him, and I'm the one who received it.


I say that this is because there is only one of us here; one Being, many faces. There is no one to give love to, but me.  There is no one to withhold love from but me.  Or in your case, you.  I just finally got a clue.


So, if you would like to play with this idea, to prove it for yourself, you might make a game, to see if you can actually diminish your supply of love by giving it away.