"It is through love that freedom is realized." ~Crystal Dawn
Yes, absolutely, and it is equally true that it is through freedom that love is realized.
I had such a hard time in relationships earlier in my life. It seemed that the women I knew felt that once I was clear that I loved them, I was somehow their prisoner.
"OK, you love me. Now here's the deal. You have to love me forever, and you can't love any one else, ever, or I'm going to punish you, as is my right as your beloved." But that's not love. That's the egoic search for safety and comfort by manipulating the exterior world. It's not even close to being love. That's like saying that the poison is the antidote.
Just like we can't put out part of a lit match by dumping a glass of water on it, we are not able to be so selective about which love we squash when we seek its inhibition. What I noticed was that the love I felt for these primary partners would begin to diminish, until one or both of us wondered what we were doing together. It was simple really. The love got squashed. Neither of us realized that by squashing love for others, love for self and partner is harmed as well.
What I set out to talk about though is that, more and more, I have the perception that cause is non-local. For instance, I can't know if it is the love in my heart that is causing the freedom I feel, or is it the freedom I feel that is causing the love in my heart. If I'm feeling loving, I can't know if I'm feeling that because of the way someone is treating me, or maybe they're treating me that way because I'm being loving.
Perhaps I don't need to know. Granted this inquiry (who's at cause?) is a treasured pastime for the ego/identity, but perhaps it is, in truth, just a waste of time.
After all, in order for blame to be ascribed, there must be separation. Before there can be a "bad guy" there must first be an us and a them. But maybe that is a false premise.
It appears that when I'm feeling upset, the most honest thing I can say is that I'm feeling upset, because I'm feeling upset. The "No Fault System" seems to work in the insurance business, maybe it will work in the human relations business as well.
I do notice that one of the most direct ways for someone to show me that I'm not interest in their partnership these days is for them to be focused on guilt, and it doesn't matter if it is projected inward or outward. Inward guilt is "I'm a jerk." Outward guilt is "You're an asshole." Guilt is guilt and the problem is that you have to stick your hand in the shit bucket in order to get some to smear on someone else. You can't use guilt without getting it all over you. I'm just not interested in that game anymore.
Guilt is a lie, built on a lie, and I'm committed to the truth.
©2009, carson boyd
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
My Beloved
In complete surrender, I give my heart to my Beloved. I love her in Form; I lover her in Emptiness. I love her as she is coming; I love her as she is going; I love her presence; I love her absence; I love her in motion; I love her at rest; I love her expression; I love her silence. I am the audience that gives her being. She exists through the function of My Awareness and I am devoted to her out of my own selfish lust for the delight she brings. At the same time, I am immediately willing for her to walk out of my life forever, if it be her wish (as if that were possible). My surrender is that complete. Of course, she can never leave me. Yes, water may leave the ocean, but its return is inevitable, and even when some of the water is traveling, the Ocean is still there, swimming through my veins. She is always and forever in my heart, as I am in hers. She and I are creator and creature of each other.
Surrender is Hard to Surrender to
"Surrender is hard to Surrender to," a friend said to me today.
I understand that experience. In fact, it can seem impossible. We have the idea that we want to surrender, but we can't. Where the struggle comes from is in trying to get yourself to do something you don't actually want to do. That's the tough part of ceasing any addiction. We have this belief that our ego/mind will actually win, we will become significant, and be somebody, and gain admiration, and love, and safety in the process.
Back to surrender: actually surrender is the easiest thing in the world. All you have to do is give up. Now, wanting to give something up, that's a process. What aids the the process is to become clear on what is being provided versus the cost that is extracted. When we are clear that something costs way more than it is worth, giving it up is easy. For instance, at some point, early in life, you may have been fascinated with touching fire. It wasn't hard to give that one up, was it? But if touching fire offered pleasure which equaled or outweighed the pain, people would have far more scars and we would have government sponsored, "Just say no to fire" campaigns, designed to get kids to stop 'burning' after school.
Anyway, consider that the identity/ego is powerless to take you beyond itself. As Einstein said, (and I paraphrase), we cannot solve a problem with the same thinking which created the problem in the first place. It's like using motor oil to wash out motor oil. At best, you'll be left with oily clothes. You can't think your way beyond thought. You can't do your way beyond doing. It's hopeless. To the contrary, the solutions to ego, that the ego offers, only reinforce ego. In light of this, surrender is the only viable option. If you're in quicksand, and every movement takes you deeper, STOP! Be still, quit struggling!
The good news is that you don't have to know how to do it, or figure it out. All you have to do is stop. Stop trying to do it. Stop trying to figure it out. Now here's the big secret: what you are seeking, is seeking you, with an enthusiasm which probably dwarfs your own. There is something on the other side of the ego boundary which knows who you really are, that knows what you're really worth, and has been waiting for you to be still so that it can get to you.
It's amazing when you get that. It's like George Cloney, or Catherine Zeta Jones (two of my favorite flirts) just winked at you and flashed their dazzling smile, and you're looking behind you to see who they're actually flirting with, but there's nobody there. It's YOU they're after!
But then it's bigger than that: It's not just George or Catherine (wonderful as they are), the One who has been seeking you, tirelessly, is none other than Ultimate Being. That's right, God has been plotting how to capture YOUR heart. You're that important.
WHOLLY CRAP. You mean ME?
Yes, YOU!
So that's what your resistance has been holding at bay. You've been costing yourself the intimate knowledge of how Infinite Love feels about you. And the payoff for this is?...
Now you do the math.
I understand that experience. In fact, it can seem impossible. We have the idea that we want to surrender, but we can't. Where the struggle comes from is in trying to get yourself to do something you don't actually want to do. That's the tough part of ceasing any addiction. We have this belief that our ego/mind will actually win, we will become significant, and be somebody, and gain admiration, and love, and safety in the process.
Back to surrender: actually surrender is the easiest thing in the world. All you have to do is give up. Now, wanting to give something up, that's a process. What aids the the process is to become clear on what is being provided versus the cost that is extracted. When we are clear that something costs way more than it is worth, giving it up is easy. For instance, at some point, early in life, you may have been fascinated with touching fire. It wasn't hard to give that one up, was it? But if touching fire offered pleasure which equaled or outweighed the pain, people would have far more scars and we would have government sponsored, "Just say no to fire" campaigns, designed to get kids to stop 'burning' after school.
Anyway, consider that the identity/ego is powerless to take you beyond itself. As Einstein said, (and I paraphrase), we cannot solve a problem with the same thinking which created the problem in the first place. It's like using motor oil to wash out motor oil. At best, you'll be left with oily clothes. You can't think your way beyond thought. You can't do your way beyond doing. It's hopeless. To the contrary, the solutions to ego, that the ego offers, only reinforce ego. In light of this, surrender is the only viable option. If you're in quicksand, and every movement takes you deeper, STOP! Be still, quit struggling!
The good news is that you don't have to know how to do it, or figure it out. All you have to do is stop. Stop trying to do it. Stop trying to figure it out. Now here's the big secret: what you are seeking, is seeking you, with an enthusiasm which probably dwarfs your own. There is something on the other side of the ego boundary which knows who you really are, that knows what you're really worth, and has been waiting for you to be still so that it can get to you.
It's amazing when you get that. It's like George Cloney, or Catherine Zeta Jones (two of my favorite flirts) just winked at you and flashed their dazzling smile, and you're looking behind you to see who they're actually flirting with, but there's nobody there. It's YOU they're after!
But then it's bigger than that: It's not just George or Catherine (wonderful as they are), the One who has been seeking you, tirelessly, is none other than Ultimate Being. That's right, God has been plotting how to capture YOUR heart. You're that important.
WHOLLY CRAP. You mean ME?
Yes, YOU!
So that's what your resistance has been holding at bay. You've been costing yourself the intimate knowledge of how Infinite Love feels about you. And the payoff for this is?...
Now you do the math.
Opinions & Truth
While I am wholeheartedly committed to the truth, I also hold my opinions with an open hand. Opinions are about truth, but they are not Truth. They are like the proverbial fingers pointing to the moon (the moon being Truth). I care about the Moon, not the pointing finger, and if some other finger helps one to see the Moon, by all means, take it and use it. I won't be offended.
Worship
Once upon a time, on a journey, a shaman encouraged me to remember to ask my questions. The question that arose was an old familiar one that I got from Nisargadatta Maharaj, "Who am I?"
The answer which came was not in the form of words, or even concept, but the direct experience of being the context, the "container" in which Reality has It's ... Read Moreexistence. I suddenly realized that I was the dimension I previously thought I existed within. Or I might say, I am the Awareness, in which Being, Be's.
On a subsequent journey, of a similar nature, I was present to the music I was hearing, being worship. That's not an original idea, of course, but what was new to me was the realization that, yes, music is worship, and the place where this worship takes place is in Awareness... My Awareness...Every sincere song every written was written in hopes that it would be taken into the sacred temple of our awareness, placed before God, and given audience. You're that important.
The answer which came was not in the form of words, or even concept, but the direct experience of being the context, the "container" in which Reality has It's ... Read Moreexistence. I suddenly realized that I was the dimension I previously thought I existed within. Or I might say, I am the Awareness, in which Being, Be's.
On a subsequent journey, of a similar nature, I was present to the music I was hearing, being worship. That's not an original idea, of course, but what was new to me was the realization that, yes, music is worship, and the place where this worship takes place is in Awareness... My Awareness...Every sincere song every written was written in hopes that it would be taken into the sacred temple of our awareness, placed before God, and given audience. You're that important.
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