A friend recently posted a quote from Loch Kelly:

"When we realize that who we are is formless awareness we begin to lose the fear of death. When this formless awareness realizes it is also form we lose the fear of life."

Here is what came up in response:

Thank you Peter, This mostly matches my experience. In regards to formless awareness realizing that it is also form, while that occurs as true to me, it would be more true of my experience to say that formless awareness realizes that there is actually no form, only the appearance of it. However the resulting fearlessness in regards to “life” is the same.

The big joke is that nothing is significant, because nothing ever happened. It’s all actually empty and means nothing; and it doesn’t mean anything that it’s empty and means nothing. I lived my life as a dramatic tragedy and it transformed into a comedy.

We have learned to worship the intellect and make it the main arbiter of truth. Ironically it is the intellect which often costs us truth. Don’t expect reality to make sense, because what is being examined is larger than the instrument being used to measure. Reality will never fully make sense to the intellect, and it makes sense that it doesn’t make sense. To the intellect this world is upside down and backwards. ‘Might as well get used to it.

~ c a r s o n

More than One Love

Can it be More Loving to Have More than One Love?

Polyamory Living as a polyamorous being, I find more love, both in my heart and in my day-to-day experience, than I ever did when I was keeping to emotional monogamy. (I would just like to say upfront that one can be polyamorous, and sexually monogamous.  The two are not mutually exclusive). Of course I did find love in my monogamous relationships, but in my experience, the very structure of monogamy ended up being counter to love. 

When you have subscribed to a monogamous form of relationship, making the right choice in a partner becomes extraordinarily important. After all, it’s a choice that you make, and then forsake all others in order to cleave unto that chosen one. You’d better get it right! So, potential partners are passed over because they don’t measure up to the status of “The One.”  You might find yourself thinking, Yes, I love this person. Yes, I am delighted to spend time with them. Yes, we might have a fulfilling relationship which lasts for the whole night, for days, weeks, months, years, but in my heart, I just can’t commit to loving them forever, or having children with them, or sharing a bank account with them (or whatever it is for you) therefore, I’d better say no now since I’ll probably find myself wanting to say no later. There is a tremendous irony in this. Monogamy is supposed to make it more likely that love will be present in our lives, and yet in many ways, it costs more love than it provides.

Here and Now If what I’m seeking is to love and be loved, well first I might consider where and when that is likely to happen. The only place that love can happen is here, and the time frame is now. The world would tell you that there is love which exists in the past, or the future, but it is impossible to love someone in the future, or the past, simply because you don't exist then, and neither does anyone real.  Love, real love, is a here and now phenomenon. I think Stephen Stills got it right when he suggested in a song, “Love The One You’re With.”  Granted we can feel love for the memory of a person from our past, or an imagined person in our future.  But it is usually a pale substitute for someone who is present, right now.  Then too, the wonderful thing about loving someone who is here, is you don't have to go looking for them, so the logistics have been worked out.

 

Lower your Standards and Find Romance

Since I have opened up to being poly I have had lovers that would have never come my way otherwise. Perhaps they had a different body type than I imagined my ideal partner would have, or had a funny voice, or maybe a lack of philosophical depth or perhaps we did not share the same goals in life. There are a seemingly endless number of criteria that we want in our “ideal” partner and most of us never find someone who measures up. We eventually come to some sort of compromise and make do with what we can get. That doesn't sound very romantic does it? I would venture to say that this spirit of compromise and taking what you can get, is the basis of far more relationships than “having found the ideal partner.” But as long as we cling to having found an “ideal partner” as the basis of a worthwhile relationship, we usually can’t help but feel that there is something missing and that we have settled for less than what could be. 

Oddly enough though, in this upside down and backwards world, making do with what you can get is romantic. When I separated myself from the story of “ideal partner” based relationship, I found that there was a spontaneous experience of love for the one sharing her time with me at the moment. Of course, that experience is always dynamic and changing. Sometimes it occurs as stronger or weaker, more or less exciting, but that’s just the nature of phenomenal experience. What happened is I let go of the thought that I knew what someone I could love looked like and opened to what was present in the moment. As long as you are holding out for someone who isn't here, romance doesn't have a chance.  Suddenly, through my allowance, my potential lover doesn’t have to rise to such a high standard. The wonderful thing about this, is that when you relax your standards, there is a far larger pool of potential lovers to choose from, Yea! Now I’m not suggesting that you give up on having what is truly important you in a partner. I am suggesting that you may find that your standards are naturally, more allowing if you aren’t going to be stuck with this person forever. You may even find yourself being more compassionate and generous about whom you share yourself with. There are countless thousands of us who feel deprived of loving, tender, contact with another. Just look around you. Maybe you’d be willing to share yourself more freely if there wasn’t an expectation that such sharing was only appropriate if you were heading to some form of special relationship. 

I was in a nine month long course one time, with a group of one hundred or so people, and we were having a discussion where people began to voice their dissatisfaction with how little sex they were getting. I looked around and noticed that there was a pretty equal balance of men and women in this group. What was the fucking problem? (pun intended). Of course the problem was these people were looking for sex with someone who wasn't there. That’s hopeless. It’s impossible to have sex with someone who isn't here. Have you noticed?

Special Relationships We have been taught that the secret to having a wonderful romantic relationship is to find someone who is really special, and who also thinks that we are really special, and then the two of us form a monogamous bond and have a really special relationship. This bond excludes all others. We even have words for this in our wedding ceremony. “Do you promise to cleave unto her/him, forsaking all others?” Of course, something in us quickly recognizes that this is doesn't make much sense. “You mean I’m supposed to forsake my friends, my parents, my children?” How could this be loving? 

While probably being well intentioned, this idea of having a special relationship is fundamentally flawed. In order for something to be special, it must first be separate. Well, what if separation is an illusion? I say that is the truth of it. Then if separation is an illusion, there is no such thing as a special relationship. Or, paradoxically, we could say that there is only one special relationship, and it is with everyone and everything. 

But just as a house built upon quicksand is destined to topple, a relationship built on the illusion of separation is destined to falter. Anything that lasts must have reality as its foundation. If you don’t want to accept this, that’s okay, but a relationship with separation as its foundation opting a very risky enterprise. Good luck! No wonder the domain of our romantic relationships is such a devastated wasteland.We were trying to create love out of separation, but that’s insane.

Obligated Love My report is that through practicing Polyamory I have learned to love on a deeper, more intimate, level than when I maintained monogamy. I can also tell you that having the freedom to feel openly attracted to or excited by another woman, leaves me feeling far more loved by my primary partner.She actually loves me enough to risk losing me. She does this because my having what I want is important to her. I feel the same way about her and offer her the same privileges. Now that’s loving… to say, “Honey, I love you so much that I want you to have what you want, even if it doesn't include me.” That’s holding someone with an open hand. My report is that introducing this level of freedom into your relationships, actually opens the space for love to be there. This love goes far deeper than possessively clinging to a form of love which seeks to protect itself and exclude others. 

One of the other wonderful side-benefits of this being present in my relationship(s) is that I don’t have to ever wonder if she (he) is here because she genuinely wants to be, or rather, she is here out of some sense of obligation and honor. How yucky is that? To know that your partner doesn't actually want to be with you at this time, they’re just honoring some obligation. If I had a prayer, it would be “God, spare me from obligated love.” It’s a farce. Obligated love is hypocritical. It is the homage that lies pay to the truth, that fear pays to love.

Pretense How many men could honestly say that being in love with their primary partner leaves them without any attraction to, or interest in other women? Granted you could probably find multitudes who are willing to suppress or hide the attraction they feel. My thinking is that they do this, primarily because they think they don’t have a choice in the matter. They want to continue with their lover and they know the rules. It takes courage to tell the truth, and take what you get. You have to be willing to lose.

Security That brings up another aspect of this idea. When you have more than one love in your life, you naturally feel more secure that love will continue to be in your life, because your experience of love is no longer dependent upon the whims of one particular person. If one of your lovers is feeling grumpy, or is putting in lots of extra hours at work, or even enjoying time with one of their other loves, you rest easier, knowing that there are other opportunities to get the connection and intimacy that you desire. We actually remove the scarcity principle and feel more peaceful as a result. 

Besides the effect upon you and your peace of mind, think of your lover. If you could cause her (him) to feel secure and content that love will be there in her life, whether you are there or not, then she will have more peace of mind. Isn’t that a gift worth giving? Isn’t that what we attempt to give with our promises of monogamy, the security that love will be there when you need it? You can easily imagine how your partner might feel far more relaxed about your occasional angst, or even absence, if she knew that this would not threaten her ability to have loving intimacy be present in her life. This could have a wonderful impact on the freedom and allowance she is willing to grant you. It’s easier to have space for another’s issues, if I know that those issues aren’t going to threaten my access to love and intimacy.

Conditional vs Unconditional Most of what passes for love these days, imposes expectations and conditions. Conditional "love" is not really love. Yes, I know that flies in the face of the romantic mythology on this planet, but I stand by the statement. Conditional love says, “I love you… unless you displease me.” Love says, “I love you… and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Conditional love is out to get something. Unconditional love is out to give something. Conditional love comes from a context of emptiness and lack. Love comes from fullness, and lack isn’t even on the radar. 

I knew this about love, a long time ago. That’s why I had this lingering uneasiness in my long-term committed relationships. The agreement was that she would love me, but if I ever found another woman more attractive than she, and she got wind of it, I was in trouble. If I ever acted on that attraction, it created the serious threat that I would lose the relationship.Somewhere inside me, I knew that this meant I wasn’t actually being loved. It was a negotiated settlement. What I wanted was to be close to her, approved of and accepted by her, and I was willing to sell out to get it.Two egos were attempting to get what they wanted from each other and a deal was struck, but love was not part of the bargain. Of course it wasn’t. Love wasn’t part of the bargain because the dirty little secret is that ego’s don’t love, they want something. Love is not a part of the ego’s job description. If you are dealing with an ego, it is insane to think that you will somehow be loved in the process. 

A human being seeking to find love is akin to a fish seeking to find water. It is not necessary to seek after love, when love is what you are. I’m speaking of you, the Being, beyond your identity. There is nothing you need to do to find love, because love is right here, right now. Love is what you are made out of. All that is necessary is to discover and unravel what it is that stands between you and the awareness of love. That’s it. Once you do that, you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that there is plenty of love in the world. There’s plenty of love for you. There’s plenty of love from you. There’s plenty of love for everyone you know. Love has forgotten no one.

Love is Like a Box of Chocolates My friend Andrea recently posed the question, “If you were given a box of chocolates, and these chocolates were easily a hundred times better than any other chocolates on the planet, would you hoard them and eat them all yourself? Or would you share them with others.” ‘Great question, huh? I will suggest that your answer to this question will be predictive of the love and happiness present in your life.

Love, does not Separate from Freedom  If someone I love comes to me and tells me that she has fallen in love with another, I get excited, literally. I get excited because I know what love is, and I want that for her, and I want it for the one that she is loving. While this may sound extraordinarily generous on my part, I have a trump card in my pocket. You see, I know that there is only one Being in the entire Cosmos: one Being, many faces. Separation is an illusion, but only all of it. It is a trick of the mind. It doesn’t exist in Reality. There is no one that my partner could withhold her love from, but me. There is no one that she could give her love to, but me. The only question is, do I want her love to flow freely or not? She gives her love to someone else, and I receive it. This is my direct experience, not some fluffy little air-headed theory. And if she should become so fascinated with her new love that she no longer spends time with me, so be it. I’ll be fine. She may be able to remove herself from my life but she cannot prevent my access to my Beloved. That would be impossible.

Feast or Famine With Love it’s either feast or famine. For one who loves, there is no shortage of love in the world. Have you noticed? And for one who doesn’t love, there is never enough love in the world. Their heart feels to them like a black hole which swallows up and renders meaningless, the love which comes their way. It can’t be otherwise, because love doesn’t come from outside, ever. 

I imagine that the most expanded experience of love you can have is where there is no limit or boundary upon your love. Everyone is welcome in your heart, and they are welcome in spite of whomever they may love. So, yes, my report is that having more loves is more loving, and my encouragement is that you test this out for yourself and see what you find, but only if you’re seriously committed to the truth, and to love.

~Carson Boyd

It is possible to get really simple about what is going on, In any given moment, you are doing one of two things. You are either attaching to the present manifestation of reality (or some perceived lack in that manifestation) or you are surrendering that attachment and embracing what is arising now. ~ c a r s o n

Authenticity is the pinnacle of human character. Live from it, & you rise above the masses who would substitute lies for truth; fiction for reality. This world is being transformed by people, just like you who are saying, enough already. We stand on the edge of a dark abyss, and leap, empty handed, trusting that the truth will support us, and it does. Lies are unnecessary, but only the honest know this. ~carson

Creature and Creator

The question occurred to me, one day, "Do I create the 'other' or do they create me?" I mean, it's obvious there's some creating going on; the way someone can look at you, and you know that they are seeing their own projection of who you are, not you. So, which is it? Am I creating you, or are you creating me?

A Course in Miracles says that the world you see is entirely your projection; it doesn't actually exist, except in a dream, that there is a submerged, unconscious guilt, within human beings; that we don't even know is there, most of the time, and it is so painful that we can't live in peace with it; so, in an attempt to alleviate ourselves of this guilt, we project it onto others. Why? So that they can be the guilty party, instead of us.

But again, how could it be that I am the projector of the seemingly exterior world, and that you are the projector of your seemingly exterior world, both? Oh, and your exterior world includes me, by the way. There is no logical answer to that one, yet I believe that it is an accurate statement. The answer is, that there is no you, nor me. What we refer to as "I" is a figment of imagination: an optical delusion of consciousness. There is only Awareness, projecting a dream and the identitieyou refer to when you say I is the dreamed, not not the dreamer. It is the Being underneath this identity which is the dreamer, and that being... well, there's only one of them, period, throughout every where, every when, and every "I." A being who's circumference is nowhere, and who's center is everywhere. It's a conundrum, as great truths are. Great truths are a conundrum because they contain thier opposites. We are both creator and creature of each other.

I used to be enrolled in the game of "Go out there and be somebody." That didn't work out too well. It never does. It may seem to work out, for awhile, but there is a big Nobody out there, just beyond all of your acheivements, waiting to claim you. And, one day, eventually, it will have its way with us.

"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated into the Collective." --The Borg, (Star Trek, The Next Generation).

Now I'm content, even delighted, to be nobody: no one, with nothing to defend, no agenda. Just an interested being, watching and waiting to see what happens next.

~ c a r s o n

Letting Go of Love

Something I noticed, once upon a time, was that I couldn't get rid of love by giving it away. I forgave the guy that my ex-wife left me for, and I felt lovable and forgiven, in the process. There are many faces, but only One Being. There is no one to give love to but Me. There is no one to withhold love from but Me. Recently, I've noticed the same thing about those whom I love. Someone I love, gives her love to someone else, and I'm the one who receives it. It thrills me to see her express her love for another, because I know what love is, and I want that for her, and for him, and for me.

Once I got clear that love isn't personal; that my Beloved is behind every face, it became effortless to release my grip on a particular individual. While she could provide access to my Beloved, she couldn't possibly keep her from me. In light of that, I grant her complete freedom to like what she likes, and want what she wants. I'll be fine, and my Beloved approaches, as we speak.

All War is Insanity

I don’t say this figuratively, but literally.

"If a black cat crosses your path it means that you’ll have bad luck." "Step on a crack, you’ll break your mother’s back." These aren’t really superstitions, because we recognize them as such. The real superstitions are the ones that we believe are true. There are certain things about reality that almost all of us know better than to argue with, like gravity. To stand there and insist that gravity change its nature for you, and that things suddenly start to fall upwards… We all agree that is insane, and that people who believe such, should be kept away from cliffs, for their own good. But then our friend says something hurtful and we have the thought that they shouldn’t have done that. This thought is no less insane than the belief that gravity shouldn’t pull downward. Reality doesn’t seem to care what you think it should be. Have you noticed? It just goes on being what it is, despite any and all protestations.

There is a bigger war than the one in Iraq, and It has been going on for longer than any of us can remember. It is the war we wage with reality (when we do) and it will end with our surrender. This war cannot be won. Resistance is futile. Defeat is inevitable and only a matter of time. Ironically, it is in our defeat that our salvation awaits. Love will win. The only thing that remains to be seen is when these imagined identities will surrender.

“Forgiveness is the only sane response.” ~ACIM

Navigating Your Way to Love

Mind and Heart
Logic can be a useful tool, but logic tends to deal with abstractions. It is logic that allows us to look at a map and then navigate our way, but the map is not the territory. There are differences in reality, that maps can’t begin to contain, or reference. A map is an abstraction of something real. Like logic, the mind can be a useful tool, but it is a pathetic substitute for a self.

When you look with the heart, rather than the mind, you gain a different perspective of reality. The heart perceives a deeper sense of what is going on, of how things fit together, and even who you are. The heart can remember that you are more than a particular person, with a certain set of attributes. You are actually something which is in a constant state of becoming: not so much a noun, but a verb. Then, as you look around, you may notice that, not only is that true of you, but you are existing inside of something else, which is also in a constant state of becoming. There is this stream of “you” and also this stream of existence. Sometimes there is a merging of these two streams. The part is meeting the whole, and the whole is meeting the part. When this takes place, something else arises, greater than both the part and the whole together. One word for this which arises is love. Love is an existential language, in and of itself. It is a language which exists without the need for words, concepts, or abstractions. It is immediate. It is real. Love (real love) is here, now. Love which seems to be “there, then” isn’t love, but an abstraction, a concept.

The Indoctrination of a Human Being
In our upbringing we are lured away from this immediate experience of reality. This happens for many reasons. For one, we learn that the present moment is where pain occurs. When we hurt, it’s now! We begin to entertain the idea that we can avoid pain, by avoiding the present moment. We discover that we can desensitize ourselves from the pain of the immediate moment, buy mental distraction. However, in the process, our connection with the heart is diminished, and eventually severed altogether. We become identified with the head and lose contact with the heart. In the process, we literally turn our backs on love.

This is understandable, because love is risky. To love is to move into danger − because you cannot control it. The outcome of love is out of your hands, it is unpredictable. Who knows where love will lead? The mind is certainly not capable of knowing.

So, in our development, we come to trust in the mind, over the heart. And the mind, just like any other tyrant, tries to stamp out what it cannot control. The mind would tell you that with enough control you can be safe, that indeed, the control it offers is your only hope of safety. The heart, on the other hand would tell you that you already are safe, but the mind can’t hear this. When you move in love, you cannot calculate the possibilities or the results. You can’t be attached to control and at peace with being in love.

For love, the future does not exist. There is only the present. You can know love in this moment, but you can’t take love with you into a projected future, or an imagined past. Love doesn’t allow you to plan, because you cannot plan what you cannot control. This is why love is both terrifying and exciting.

Culture is not your friend. –Terence McKenna

The society, the civilization, the church, the culture, all direct a small child to be more logical. They focus the child’s energies in its head. Once the energies are consolidated in the head, it becomes difficult to come from the heart. Every child is born with great love energy, they actually arise out of love energy. But then culture comes along and teaches logic as the primary tool for survival. Children are taught fear, they’re taught caution and to be careful. All of these together damage the possibility of love.

Then, with a belief that fear and caution lead to safety, if a man falls in love with a woman, his thoughts often move to making her his girlfriend, and then his wife. In so doing, he would reduce her to a certain role, which is more predictable than the reality of a beloved. A woman, in love with a man typically begins to plot and plan to obtain a commitments, leading to the big one where he becomes her husband. We find that love leads to a preoccupation, a drive to possess the other, and this preoccupation is grounded in the desire to control this beloved, thereby bridging the, seemingly, unfathomable gap between love and safety.

The problem is that surrender is the juice which creates the clearing for love. Surrender is risk. Love is risk. When you constrain your beloved, to create them as safe, what you find is that they cease being your beloved. And then you turn to telling stories about how they changed and didn’t end up being who you thought they were, when it is us who changed the context of the game, thereby converting our beloved into a possession, annihilating our beloved in the process.

A husband seems to be something more solid than a lover. At least the law is there, the courts are there, the police are there, the government is there. They give a certain solidity to this abstraction we call husband. A lover seems more like a dream; not so substantial. People fall in love, and then gravitate toward marriage, such is the fear of love. Whomsoever we love, we start trying to control. That's just the way of it, until it’s not. It’s the conflict that goes on between wives and husbands, mothers and children, brothers and sisters, friends. It becomes a power struggle, a contest to determine who is going to possess whom, who is going to define whom, who is going to reduce whom to a thing? Who will be the master and who will be the slave?

Not very romantic is it?

The Way Out
Remember, the first error is that one becomes driven by the mind. The second error is that one starts substituting the need for love with the acquisition of things. We even attempt to turn our beloved into a thing, so that it can be possessed and controlled. This is a waste of life, and a waste of love.

Should you be fortunate enough to become aware that this is happening; not just on this page, but in your life, there is hope. Out of this awareness arises the potential to make a different choice. You can turn the tide and open to your heart. Check in, and see what your heart has to say about this. Although it may, your heart may not communicate in words. It may be as subtle as to come as a feeling, or an insistent longing. Making contact with the heart can undo what has been done to you by society, undoing all the nonsense that has been promulgated by your well-wishers. They may have thought they were helping you. They themselves were likely victims of their parents and their culture. It doesn’t help to blame them; you just don’t have to continue to believe what they taught.

When the head becomes dominant it squashes spontaneity. It becomes dictatorial. It does not allow the heart to even utter a single word; it forces the heart to be completely quiet. What is required is to listen again to the heart. It is helpful to loosen the attachment to logic, to having it all figured out. Become comfortable with not knowing. Love requires you to take risks. It requires that you step into something that “you” can’t control, and to live dangerously. When you develop a tolerance for these risks, you will move toward the unknown, and you will come to love persons, and not things. Love requires that you love what you cannot possess, and be willing to lose what you love. The moment you begin to dictate to love what must be, you turn from love. Love and surrender go hand in hand.

The automatic way of being for humans, is to fall in love with someone, and immediately your conditioning starts trying to possess them. My advice is to resist that temptation. Open yourself to the wound of love. Falling in love can be like an embrace in heavenly wings, and yes, there can be a sword hidden among the feathers. Falling in love can place you in the tiger’s jaws, having lost the chase. And then, the most delicious thing can happen. Something dies: something that clutched, and struggled, and worried, and fretted, and manipulated, and coerced. This something realizes that it is done for, and it lays down its weapons and surrenders. For many people, this doesn’t happen until the body is facing death. Then, when it is clear that death can no longer be avoided, the identity gives up, and peacefully, the heart steps forward, Spring time arrives again, and love is reborn from the ashes of a surrendered ego. I recommend going there sooner.

Whenever you start possessing you are killing love. You can either possess the person or you can love the person, but you can’t do both. It is not possible.

The ego actually thrives on error. The ego loves lies, because truth is the undoing of the ego. Lies strengthen it. This is so true that it doesn’t really matter what path you choose. Any path, travelled in earnestness, will lead you home, because truth is the path. So whenever you feel that your ego is winning and fulfilled, beware! You have consumed some poison. When you are in a state of surrender, you may relax. Surrender to What Is, is the antidote to the poison.

It comes down to a simple choice. You can tell the truth, and you can surrender to love, or you can listen to the mind, the ego. You can set out on its mission to prove that you are somebody, that you are a significant human being, who thinks significant thoughts, and probably, actually, the most important person in the world. You can collect the trinkets it seeks. You can possess lots of money. You can marry, and thereby possess, a beautiful woman or a powerful man. You can become famous and get the admiration of others.

Yes, those trinkets are there for the seeking, but only the ignorant or the insane would trade them for love. None of these trinkets will give you ultimate satisfaction, because they all require you to be separate, and what you want is to be whole. They require you to be in your head, and what you want is to be in your heart. They require you to view the world as an adversary to be conquered, and what you want is to know the world as your beloved, and to cherish it with abandon.

Another Map
In this writing, you have another map. The only value this map has is that you may use it to navigate your way to love.

© 2009, by carson boyd

Separating or Joining

We can always look for where others are wrong, and focus upon that. We can point it out to them, or just notice it quietly, again, and again. Or... we can look for where they’re right, and join with them. I notice that I like the experience of joining. The ego is the undisputed master of being right. We think so highly of being right that we have created professions of it. One of them is called attorney. Anyway, when I insist on being right, am I not throwing in with my ego and effectively saying, “lead on brother.” On the contrary, I could embrace being wrong, if for no other reason than, being right feeds my ego, and I have seen that my ego is not my friend. Actually, he is my torturer. I find what the USA did in my name in Guantanamo distasteful. In light of that, let me end my own internal torture, or at least cut off funding.

It occurred to me today to ask, what if we have the power to declare who someone is in our world? Then, reality has no choice but to say, as you wish. Then that person becomes for us, who we declare them to be? I think that’s actually the way of it.

When we make these declarations, I consider that perhaps we don’t have any choice in the matter. If that’s true, then there is no guilt. It’s just machinery running. If someone were to argue with gravity, we would call them insane. I say that to argue with any other aspect of reality is equally insane. Reality just is, what reality is, and the fact that it is that way doesn't mean anything.

So, "others should not misinterpret my intentions." Is that true? Apparently not. Not if we use reality as a measure of the truth, and could there be any better measure? I think not. Reality is the closest to the truth we can get, on the level of the physical.

As I’m fond of saying, if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, where is offensive?

At my stage in life, I have come to the point of examining the payoff from investments made. The lack of forgiveness, or we could say guilt, is just way too expensive. It’s a loser, and it takes a fool to add it to one’s portfolio in the first place, and a bigger fool to keep it, in hopes that it will become a winner.

Whenever I’m tempted to write someone off, I sometimes remember that I will not be able to walk through the gates of heaven without having space in my heart for them.

I surrender. Ollie, Ollie, oxen free. Come out, come out, where ever you are. All is forgiven. Especially the one who most needs forgiveness. That would be me.

Would I rather be right, or happy? I’ll take happy, thank you very much. True forgiveness is to realize that what I thought happened, didn’t. I thought someone offended me. Oops, my bad. And, we begin now.

~ c a r s o n

Welcome to the Jungle

I live in this world that often occurs like a jungle, where a myriad of creatures come together to be, and express their individuality. The crickets sing, the monkey’s howl, the cats roar and it is a glorious expression; a symphony, with an unseen conductor. It is the sound of worship as each being trumpets their existence, and their gratitude to whatever it is that gives us existence.

We long to go into that jungle. We long to be our natural self. We long to cast our pheromones into the breeze and see what comes; to sniff the wind and see where we are drawn. And without a story of a separate me, it’s all just a cannibalistic orgy. I say cannibalistic, because there’s only one thing, and it feeds off of itself. I once had a strawberry say to me, “chew me up, swallow me down, I’ll be you.” People say that death is suffering. That’s a good one. I'm not so sure. This body can die, but I can’t. I was never born. As soon as Life is done with this body, I will gladly offer it to whomever wants it, for whatever purpose they desire. I say orgy because lust seems to be part of the program. We lust for whatever has been missing: for food, for love, for the smell of our beloved, for their touch, for their orgasm, for their surrender, for our own surrender.

We human’s are torn. On the one hand, we are committed to the fight. We long to vanquish those who have opposed us, to conquer the world and have it finally, at last, acknowledge us as its master. You may remember that was Satan's song in the garden. But on the other hand, perhaps more than we recognize, we long to surrender, to let it all go, to experience freedom. The fight costs us our freedom, you know? You realize that, right? You can’t be free, and at war, at the same time. For if you were truly free, wouldn’t you chose to be free from war?

What you really want is to experience your being without the encumbrance of shoulds. I should do this. I shouldn’t have done that. I can’t do that (even though I want to). I ought to do this. These all weigh us down. This world is upside down and backwards. We are told that keeping a tight control on ourselves will get us into Heaven, when actually it is the mechanism which keeps us in Hell.

What we want is the truth. It scares us half to death, and lures us at the same time (like so many worthwhile things). We’ve heard it time and time again:"The truth will set you free." Well, is it true, or not? It would be good to find out. My report is, yes, it is true, and that everything I thought I wanted, instead of the truth, is now seen to have so little relative value as to be worthless. Take it all, I won’t miss it: pride, prestige, respect, power, the illusion of safety. They mean nothing to me. I’ll take the love. I'll take the truth, here, now.

I was with a woman, night before last, and it was all the pleasure I could stand, just to lay next to her, in our afterglow, and breathe in her breath as she would exhale. The thought that keeps coming to my mind, day after day is, “Could it be any more delicious?”

Sign me up. I’m done. No, I don’t need to shop anymore. I’ll take Reality, exactly the way it is. This is what I want.

Love & Freedom

"It is through love that freedom is realized." ~Crystal Dawn

Yes, absolutely, and it is equally true that it is through freedom that love is realized.

I had such a hard time in relationships earlier in my life. It seemed that the women I knew felt that once I was clear that I loved them, I was somehow their prisoner.

"OK, you love me. Now here's the deal. You have to love me forever, and you can't love any one else, ever, or I'm going to punish you, as is my right as your beloved." But that's not love. That's the egoic search for safety and comfort by manipulating the exterior world. It's not even close to being love. That's like saying that the poison is the antidote.

Just like we can't put out part of a lit match by dumping a glass of water on it, we are not able to be so selective about which love we squash when we seek its inhibition. What I noticed was that the love I felt for these primary partners would begin to diminish, until one or both of us wondered what we were doing together. It was simple really. The love got squashed. Neither of us realized that by squashing love for others, love for self and partner is harmed as well.

What I set out to talk about though is that, more and more, I have the perception that cause is non-local. For instance, I can't know if it is the love in my heart that is causing the freedom I feel, or is it the freedom I feel that is causing the love in my heart. If I'm feeling loving, I can't know if I'm feeling that because of the way someone is treating me, or maybe they're treating me that way because I'm being loving.

Perhaps I don't need to know. Granted this inquiry (who's at cause?) is a treasured pastime for the ego/identity, but perhaps it is, in truth, just a waste of time.

After all, in order for blame to be ascribed, there must be separation. Before there can be a "bad guy" there must first be an us and a them. But maybe that is a false premise.

It appears that when I'm feeling upset, the most honest thing I can say is that I'm feeling upset, because I'm feeling upset. The "No Fault System" seems to work in the insurance business, maybe it will work in the human relations business as well.

I do notice that one of the most direct ways for someone to show me that I'm not interest in their partnership these days is for them to be focused on guilt, and it doesn't matter if it is projected inward or outward. Inward guilt is "I'm a jerk." Outward guilt is "You're an asshole." Guilt is guilt and the problem is that you have to stick your hand in the shit bucket in order to get some to smear on someone else. You can't use guilt without getting it all over you. I'm just not interested in that game anymore.

Guilt is a lie, built on a lie, and I'm committed to the truth.

©2009, carson boyd

My Beloved

In complete surrender, I give my heart to my Beloved. I love her in Form; I lover her in Emptiness. I love her as she is coming; I love her as she is going; I love her presence; I love her absence; I love her in motion; I love her at rest; I love her expression; I love her silence. I am the audience that gives her being. She exists through the function of My Awareness and I am devoted to her out of my own selfish lust for the delight she brings. At the same time, I am immediately willing for her to walk out of my life forever, if it be her wish (as if that were possible). My surrender is that complete. Of course, she can never leave me. Yes, water may leave the ocean, but its return is inevitable, and even when some of the water is traveling, the Ocean is still there, swimming through my veins. She is always and forever in my heart, as I am in hers. She and I are creator and creature of each other.

Surrender is Hard to Surrender to

"Surrender is hard to Surrender to," a friend said to me today.

I understand that experience. In fact, it can seem impossible. We have the idea that we want to surrender, but we can't. Where the struggle comes from is in trying to get yourself to do something you don't actually want to do. That's the tough part of ceasing any addiction. We have this belief that our ego/mind will actually win, we will become significant, and be somebody, and gain admiration, and love, and safety in the process.

Back to surrender: actually surrender is the easiest thing in the world. All you have to do is give up. Now, wanting to give something up, that's a process. What aids the the process is to become clear on what is being provided versus the cost that is extracted. When we are clear that something costs way more than it is worth, giving it up is easy. For instance, at some point, early in life, you may have been fascinated with touching fire. It wasn't hard to give that one up, was it? But if touching fire offered pleasure which equaled or outweighed the pain, people would have far more scars and we would have government sponsored, "Just say no to fire" campaigns, designed to get kids to stop 'burning' after school.

Anyway, consider that the identity/ego is powerless to take you beyond itself. As Einstein said, (and I paraphrase), we cannot solve a problem with the same thinking which created the problem in the first place. It's like using motor oil to wash out motor oil. At best, you'll be left with oily clothes. You can't think your way beyond thought. You can't do your way beyond doing. It's hopeless. To the contrary, the solutions to ego, that the ego offers, only reinforce ego. In light of this, surrender is the only viable option. If you're in quicksand, and every movement takes you deeper, STOP! Be still, quit struggling!

The good news is that you don't have to know how to do it, or figure it out. All you have to do is stop. Stop trying to do it. Stop trying to figure it out. Now here's the big secret: what you are seeking, is seeking you, with an enthusiasm which probably dwarfs your own. There is something on the other side of the ego boundary which knows who you really are, that knows what you're really worth, and has been waiting for you to be still so that it can get to you.

It's amazing when you get that. It's like George Cloney, or Catherine Zeta Jones (two of my favorite flirts) just winked at you and flashed their dazzling smile, and you're looking behind you to see who they're actually flirting with, but there's nobody there. It's YOU they're after!

But then it's bigger than that: It's not just George or Catherine (wonderful as they are), the One who has been seeking you, tirelessly, is none other than Ultimate Being. That's right, God has been plotting how to capture YOUR heart. You're that important.

WHOLLY CRAP. You mean ME?

Yes, YOU!

So that's what your resistance has been holding at bay. You've been costing yourself the intimate knowledge of how Infinite Love feels about you. And the payoff for this is?...

Now you do the math.

Opinions & Truth

While I am wholeheartedly committed to the truth, I also hold my opinions with an open hand. Opinions are about truth, but they are not Truth. They are like the proverbial fingers pointing to the moon (the moon being Truth). I care about the Moon, not the pointing finger, and if some other finger helps one to see the Moon, by all means, take it and use it. I won't be offended.

Worship

Once upon a time, on a journey, a shaman encouraged me to remember to ask my questions. The question that arose was an old familiar one that I got from Nisargadatta Maharaj, "Who am I?"

The answer which came was not in the form of words, or even concept, but the direct experience of being the context, the "container" in which Reality has It's ... Read Moreexistence. I suddenly realized that I was the dimension I previously thought I existed within. Or I might say, I am the Awareness, in which Being, Be's.

On a subsequent journey, of a similar nature, I was present to the music I was hearing, being worship. That's not an original idea, of course, but what was new to me was the realization that, yes, music is worship, and the place where this worship takes place is in Awareness... My Awareness...Every sincere song every written was written in hopes that it would be taken into the sacred temple of our awareness, placed before God, and given audience. You're that important.