"It is through love that freedom is realized." ~Crystal Dawn
Yes, absolutely, and it is equally true that it is through freedom that love is realized.
I had such a hard time in relationships earlier in my life. It seemed that the women I knew felt that once I was clear that I loved them, I was somehow their prisoner.
"OK, you love me. Now here's the deal. You have to love me forever, and you can't love any one else, ever, or I'm going to punish you, as is my right as your beloved." But that's not love. That's the egoic search for safety and comfort by manipulating the exterior world. It's not even close to being love. That's like saying that the poison is the antidote.
Just like we can't put out part of a lit match by dumping a glass of water on it, we are not able to be so selective about which love we squash when we seek its inhibition. What I noticed was that the love I felt for these primary partners would begin to diminish, until one or both of us wondered what we were doing together. It was simple really. The love got squashed. Neither of us realized that by squashing love for others, love for self and partner is harmed as well.
What I set out to talk about though is that, more and more, I have the perception that cause is non-local. For instance, I can't know if it is the love in my heart that is causing the freedom I feel, or is it the freedom I feel that is causing the love in my heart. If I'm feeling loving, I can't know if I'm feeling that because of the way someone is treating me, or maybe they're treating me that way because I'm being loving.
Perhaps I don't need to know. Granted this inquiry (who's at cause?) is a treasured pastime for the ego/identity, but perhaps it is, in truth, just a waste of time.
After all, in order for blame to be ascribed, there must be separation. Before there can be a "bad guy" there must first be an us and a them. But maybe that is a false premise.
It appears that when I'm feeling upset, the most honest thing I can say is that I'm feeling upset, because I'm feeling upset. The "No Fault System" seems to work in the insurance business, maybe it will work in the human relations business as well.
I do notice that one of the most direct ways for someone to show me that I'm not interest in their partnership these days is for them to be focused on guilt, and it doesn't matter if it is projected inward or outward. Inward guilt is "I'm a jerk." Outward guilt is "You're an asshole." Guilt is guilt and the problem is that you have to stick your hand in the shit bucket in order to get some to smear on someone else. You can't use guilt without getting it all over you. I'm just not interested in that game anymore.
Guilt is a lie, built on a lie, and I'm committed to the truth.
©2009, carson boyd
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Interesting blog, Carson. Great food for thought. Communication between men and women seems to be such a fragile and tenuous construct. I don't know if guilt is a weapon, as you say or, instead, more of a self-inflicted wound. I am reflecting on a major breakdown that happened tonight in my relationship and how things changed so quickly and went South so readily. My boyfriend meant well when he deiced, at the last minute, to accompany me to my AA meeting where I was making a speech and accepting my chip and certificate for ten years of sobriety...he even took me out for a seafood dinner, before the meeting and to play games at Dave and Busters before the meeting....but, his critical jabs of my 10 year 'birthday' speech really wounded my soul...instead of complimenting me or acknowledging my accomplishment, all he could do is tell me how I talked too much and ran my mouth and kept repeating myself...no kind words of kudos or acknowledgement...and I found myself in tears by the end of the evening and he was angry, bitter and defensive. So, now three and a half hours later, he is asleep on the couch and we are still bound by silence...he is asleep on the couch and my pride and soul are wounded. I can see where I am, perhaps, too sensitive and should not take his criticism so personally...but, what hurts is his seeming indiffernce to my feelings, hurt, and tears...no apolgy, no acknowledgement or nothing and it makes me very sad. Perhaps my tears made him feel guilty which made him react in defensive hostility and anger...but, such was not my intent. His criticism and lack of acknowledgement really hurt me and, even more...his coldness, anger and lacky of sensitivity, kindness or empathy. I am feeling very sad and misunderstood and sad that I feel as if there is a huge chasm between it now and silence seems to be the only peaceful path...darkness follows. Thanks....Julie Minerbo
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ReplyDeleteI hear you Julie. I would love to hold you and kiss your pain and make it better.
ReplyDeleteAs for whether I take someone's criticism personally, I notice that I don't seem to have much control over such a thing. I was at a party on Friday evening and I felt that people there misinterpreted who I am and what I'm up to, and I drove away noticing that there was this pain in my heart. Now I'm a big boy. I know oodles of strategies to reason away or ignore such pain, but there it was, my heart was aching, and it seemed like it was a good thing. Lord knows I've suppressed it in the past.
We humans have these stories that cause us pain, stories like: They should respect me. They should understand me. They should apologize. They should love me. And I notice that they do when they do, and they don't when they don't. If I internally grant them the freedom to be the way they are, there is more peace in my world.
ACIM (A Course In Miracles) says that "Forgiveness is the only sane response" and I believe it. All those "assholes" out there are actually me. There's only one of us here: One Being, many faces. It's insane to hold a grudge against myself.
On behalf of men, I'm sorry that he was disrespectful and invalidating, and then defensive and angry. You deserve better treatment than that and I regret he couldn't see it at the moment. It is entirely possible that this was the best he had to offer at the time.
My friend Katie suggests, and I believe, that it not another's job to love me. That's my job. She also says, if I had a prayer, it would be, "God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation.
So, who would you be, without the thought that this guy should love, approve of, or appreciate you?
Maybe someone who approves of him when he is disapproving of you. Wouldn't that be wonderful? You could live the value you hold dearly and be an example of it for others in the world. If you're not there, you're not there, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just an idea.
Another thing I have noticed is that when someone criticizes me and I feel hurt, it is either because I believe they should treat me better, or because, deep down inside, I believe they are right. If you criticized my purple hair, I wouldn't feel hurt, because it is not my experience that I have purple hair. But if you criticized my messy room... Guilty.
Speaking of guilt, I agree with your earlier statement that guilt is often a self inflicted wound. In fact, as I consider it, I think that is always true, but it depends on what you consider Self to be.
By the way, CONGRATULATIONS! on your ten year anniversary. As the son of an alcoholic (who drank himself to death when I was 11) I am personally grateful for the choice you made and the responsibility and commitment you have shown. No kidding. I'm weeping over here in gratitude. Bless your heart.
Love,
~ c a r s o n