Letting Go of Love

Something I noticed, once upon a time, was that I couldn't get rid of love by giving it away. I forgave the guy that my ex-wife left me for, and I felt lovable and forgiven, in the process. There are many faces, but only One Being. There is no one to give love to but Me. There is no one to withhold love from but Me. Recently, I've noticed the same thing about those whom I love. Someone I love, gives her love to someone else, and I'm the one who receives it. It thrills me to see her express her love for another, because I know what love is, and I want that for her, and for him, and for me.

Once I got clear that love isn't personal; that my Beloved is behind every face, it became effortless to release my grip on a particular individual. While she could provide access to my Beloved, she couldn't possibly keep her from me. In light of that, I grant her complete freedom to like what she likes, and want what she wants. I'll be fine, and my Beloved approaches, as we speak.

Welcome to the Jungle

I live in this world that often occurs like a jungle, where a myriad of creatures come together to be, and express their individuality. The crickets sing, the monkey’s howl, the cats roar and it is a glorious expression; a symphony, with an unseen conductor. It is the sound of worship as each being trumpets their existence, and their gratitude to whatever it is that gives us existence.

We long to go into that jungle. We long to be our natural self. We long to cast our pheromones into the breeze and see what comes; to sniff the wind and see where we are drawn. And without a story of a separate me, it’s all just a cannibalistic orgy. I say cannibalistic, because there’s only one thing, and it feeds off of itself. I once had a strawberry say to me, “chew me up, swallow me down, I’ll be you.” People say that death is suffering. That’s a good one. I'm not so sure. This body can die, but I can’t. I was never born. As soon as Life is done with this body, I will gladly offer it to whomever wants it, for whatever purpose they desire. I say orgy because lust seems to be part of the program. We lust for whatever has been missing: for food, for love, for the smell of our beloved, for their touch, for their orgasm, for their surrender, for our own surrender.

We human’s are torn. On the one hand, we are committed to the fight. We long to vanquish those who have opposed us, to conquer the world and have it finally, at last, acknowledge us as its master. You may remember that was Satan's song in the garden. But on the other hand, perhaps more than we recognize, we long to surrender, to let it all go, to experience freedom. The fight costs us our freedom, you know? You realize that, right? You can’t be free, and at war, at the same time. For if you were truly free, wouldn’t you chose to be free from war?

What you really want is to experience your being without the encumbrance of shoulds. I should do this. I shouldn’t have done that. I can’t do that (even though I want to). I ought to do this. These all weigh us down. This world is upside down and backwards. We are told that keeping a tight control on ourselves will get us into Heaven, when actually it is the mechanism which keeps us in Hell.

What we want is the truth. It scares us half to death, and lures us at the same time (like so many worthwhile things). We’ve heard it time and time again:"The truth will set you free." Well, is it true, or not? It would be good to find out. My report is, yes, it is true, and that everything I thought I wanted, instead of the truth, is now seen to have so little relative value as to be worthless. Take it all, I won’t miss it: pride, prestige, respect, power, the illusion of safety. They mean nothing to me. I’ll take the love. I'll take the truth, here, now.

I was with a woman, night before last, and it was all the pleasure I could stand, just to lay next to her, in our afterglow, and breathe in her breath as she would exhale. The thought that keeps coming to my mind, day after day is, “Could it be any more delicious?”

Sign me up. I’m done. No, I don’t need to shop anymore. I’ll take Reality, exactly the way it is. This is what I want.

Love & Freedom

"It is through love that freedom is realized." ~Crystal Dawn

Yes, absolutely, and it is equally true that it is through freedom that love is realized.

I had such a hard time in relationships earlier in my life. It seemed that the women I knew felt that once I was clear that I loved them, I was somehow their prisoner.

"OK, you love me. Now here's the deal. You have to love me forever, and you can't love any one else, ever, or I'm going to punish you, as is my right as your beloved." But that's not love. That's the egoic search for safety and comfort by manipulating the exterior world. It's not even close to being love. That's like saying that the poison is the antidote.

Just like we can't put out part of a lit match by dumping a glass of water on it, we are not able to be so selective about which love we squash when we seek its inhibition. What I noticed was that the love I felt for these primary partners would begin to diminish, until one or both of us wondered what we were doing together. It was simple really. The love got squashed. Neither of us realized that by squashing love for others, love for self and partner is harmed as well.

What I set out to talk about though is that, more and more, I have the perception that cause is non-local. For instance, I can't know if it is the love in my heart that is causing the freedom I feel, or is it the freedom I feel that is causing the love in my heart. If I'm feeling loving, I can't know if I'm feeling that because of the way someone is treating me, or maybe they're treating me that way because I'm being loving.

Perhaps I don't need to know. Granted this inquiry (who's at cause?) is a treasured pastime for the ego/identity, but perhaps it is, in truth, just a waste of time.

After all, in order for blame to be ascribed, there must be separation. Before there can be a "bad guy" there must first be an us and a them. But maybe that is a false premise.

It appears that when I'm feeling upset, the most honest thing I can say is that I'm feeling upset, because I'm feeling upset. The "No Fault System" seems to work in the insurance business, maybe it will work in the human relations business as well.

I do notice that one of the most direct ways for someone to show me that I'm not interest in their partnership these days is for them to be focused on guilt, and it doesn't matter if it is projected inward or outward. Inward guilt is "I'm a jerk." Outward guilt is "You're an asshole." Guilt is guilt and the problem is that you have to stick your hand in the shit bucket in order to get some to smear on someone else. You can't use guilt without getting it all over you. I'm just not interested in that game anymore.

Guilt is a lie, built on a lie, and I'm committed to the truth.

©2009, carson boyd